I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
You Might Also Like
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Got ya covered
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
facebook is down so i am having to improvise