when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
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every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.