When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
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good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me