George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
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Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.