People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
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“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?