This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
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My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce