I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
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My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?