GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
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A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
can’t believe I got front row seats
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist