What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
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You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
so i’m at the stock market right
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
I’m giving up ice.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy