[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
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OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.