You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
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Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.