I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
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Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.