next level snooze
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[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin