A dating app for angry people- Grumble
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My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials