Sending in my taxes
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“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
mariah carrie
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha