there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
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“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
no!! no!!!!!!
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair