Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
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[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.