taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
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You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Autocorrect completely socks
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.