me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
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And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Ok, but like, how married are you?
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.