I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
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Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
My beach vacation Google searches
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.