The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
You Might Also Like
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda