every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
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It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I think they could have phrased this better
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger