friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
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It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
*launders Kohls cash*
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
relationship goals
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
goldfish mafia
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.