If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
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Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
The two types of wives
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*