u guys got any snacks onboard here
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My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
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Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
when someone compliments me
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.