My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
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please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]