Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
You Might Also Like
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Just me?
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.