avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
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Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe