My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
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Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.