WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
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“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Maths meets science
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet