[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
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starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…