Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
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Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
nice challenge
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
road rage
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.