Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
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Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.