I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
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DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
why am I working on Labor Day
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.