My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
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need him
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”