But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
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The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes