9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
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It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!