Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
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[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat