Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
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[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby