Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
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Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.