Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
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I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.