Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
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7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Lmfaoooooo
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it