[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
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I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.