The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
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It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…