If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
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When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.