Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
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Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”