I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
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Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.