“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
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10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips