ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
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Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”