I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
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*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant